TALK TO CHUCK - The 99% have a plethora of investment opportunities.

The concept of corporate personhood was created more than 100 years ago and ever since has been the bane of private citizens. At each challenge judges uphold and strengthen the concept. And the moves aren’t ancient history.

Can you say unlimited campaign financing?

The reputation of Congress, indeed of all politicians, is lower than whale shit at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. The Anti-Big Government types look at unrestricted capitalism as their savior. They’ve spent decades vilifying the words liberalism and socialism while talking up the advantages of a corporate personhood that will invariably do the right thing if only government got off their back.

If only we didn’t tax corporations and the wealthy, jobs would rain like fillet mignon-fed cats and dogs. Yet, the taxes are low, the rich continue to monopolize the economy, most of their money remains offshore, and the jobless are rapidly becoming the homeless.

We’re still waiting for the trickle down here, dammit.

The ‘Never Saw a Regulation I Liked Crowd’
Deregulate companies? They already thumb their noses at existing regulations and spend more than the GNP of Ecuador to protect extra-personhood. The response to the BP fiasco shouldn’t have been to remove regulations, it should have been to make sure BP followed the ones already in place. In the end, they were able to set the damages they would pay. Sorta like you negotiating the fine for a traffic violation…oh wait! You can’t do that. And the regulatory agencies, manned by former 1% wing tippers are in cahoots too, as one might expect when the fox guards your hen house.

Well, a funny thing happened on the airplane flight to the yacht…unrestricted capitalism isn’t so much in vogue these days. People are beginning to give it low marks in the Jon Huntsman range. The notion of, “What’s good for GM is good for the country” doesn’t mean quite as much as it used to. People are beginning to see that, more often than not, unrestricted American-style capitalism is just as warped, just as weak, and just as corrupt as any other type of burgeoning dictatorship.

Contrary to popular belief, St. Ronnie of Reagan didn’t say, “Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall and win one for the Gipper” and it fell straightaway.  It didn’t fall under the bulldozer blades of an American offshore multinational, like Halliburton at all. It fell because the socialist/communist cabal kept trying to spend money to defend against paper threats like the unusable Star Wars program.

When the wall did fall, Americans spent a lot of time puffing their chests and lecturing the rest of the world on the wonders of capitalism. “Kill a commie for Christ and deregulate everything in sight” was the mantra. Instead, the beleaguered Russian peasants got more beleagerment (not unlike our 99 percenters), Mafia wars, and an oligarchy so virulent it makes our corporate personhood look positively benign.

The Romneilians, Newtonions, and just plan Fuckledupistanis aren’t unjustly accused victims of class warfare. They’re well armed enough – possibly with old Star Wars surplus – that the rest of us don’t have a chance. If I was a betting man, I’d lay a bet against myself right now.

Embarking on the Costa Concordia
The Party That Couldn’t Elect a Sane Candidate talks a good game about billionaire jealousy, but in doing so, they are missing the boat. At the end of the day, most regular Americans couldn’t care less how much the overclass makes. It cares where the fallout from it hits them – in the pocket. They are, after all, capitalists. Even if they have no real idea why.

If there is one thing as quintessentially American as capitalism it is the notion that we are a nation of freedom zealots with a keen eye toward fairness. We don’t like to see some asshat take home a gaggle of gold geese while we get to clean up the goose shit after he’s gone. It’s positively unAmerican.

If the overclass was smart – and not in that “I flew my company into a smoking hole” way – they’d be well advised to protect those who produce their wealth from the corporations that steal it. One day capitalism, like communism, socialism, and fascism will have lost its usefulness and appeal and there’s not much 1% of the population can do if the other 99% comes for them in the dark of night. Capitalism needs to be rescued from itself before it also collapses under its own weight.

If they aren’t smart – as would seem to be apparent from their lack or management skill and absence of morality – they will wake up one day and not see the face of Jesus on their toast, but a “NO” slash through a dollar sign.

Pass the butter Mr. Gorbachev.

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VICTORIA’S SING ALONG TIME – Come on all you right wingers, sing along!

There is no shortage of Americans full of crackpot ideas and imagined conspiracies. They’re usually part of an unknown cast preaching to like-minded goobs. But occasionally someone with a not-so-unknown name takes to the bloody pulpit. 

Truth be told the left and right both have plenty of celebrities in their ideological quivers. But the right’s stable may be smaller and makes up in bat-shit craziness what it loses in quantity.

Ted Nugent is the prototypical conservative in camo. The Nooge never misses a chance to link omnipresent commies to nefarious plots bent on confiscating cross bows or some other equally deranged story. A lifetime of hearing Cat Scratch Fever set to 11 has damaged the man. But Nooge, step aside. There’s a new crackpot in town.

Join the Victoria Jackson Nation

Victoria Jackson made a comedy career of dressing like a 10-year old girl and speaking in a voice that sounded like Carol Channing on helium. The combination was good enough to win her an SNL role and star in a few forgettable movies that required a vacuous girl wearing a tutu and playing the ukulele.

After a long stint playing a Florida homemaker – why is it always Florida – she’s back with a show of her own and a political ideology that makes a Michele Bachmann/Sarah Palin Siamese Twin sound positively grounded.

Vic’s latest rant – branded Victoria Jackson’s Still A Crazy Asshole – suggests she has fallen under the sway of the, President Obama is behind all of this and we will all have to “convert or be killed!” crowd. In her mind, Anti-Christ Hussein Obama will force everyone to join the Muslim Brotherhood and accept sharia as the law of the land. This isn’t an unknown position amongst the ignorati, even though it is illogical using their own logic: How can Obama be too stupid to tie his own shoes yet carry out what would have to be a cover up roughly the size and complexity of the Manhattan project?

Some might argue that her return to TV, helming a show on PolitiChics, is just an extension of her career acting like a bubble head. Others would argue she isn’t “acting”. If she weren’t so damn scary, in the same way Rick Santorum is scary, you could probably take the show and her actions as an inspired comedy patterned after Andy Kaufmann.

But I think she actually believes this stuff. First of all, she ain’t that funny, as her movie Casual Sex proves. Secondly, if Fox News hosts question your sanity, you have to be well and truly beyond the bend.

But the scariest part of her is that she fantasizes these things and is a focal point for her fellow like-minded fans. There are a goodly number of people who share her beliefs and TV makes it all that much easier to rally the outliers.

Even if they don’t wear tutus and play the ukulele.

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But sometimes people become famous for telling the truth. When asked what her greatest claim to fame was, Kim Kardashian said, “I’m the girl with the fat ass.”

Now that’s fresh and funny, yet scathingly truthful. This is a woman who knows her place in the universe. People should be praising the heavens for a woman who provides both comedic relief and a chance for the average American couch potato to feel superior to someone else for once. It’s stress relieving really. Very therapeutic.

But Kim is being made to pay for being a societal relief valve – Kim H8Rs have begun a petition to have her booted off television. I assume these are the same people who showed all the Muslim-lovers out there that Lowes is the devil and not the home of thrifty building materials.

Lowes, Home of Low Prices
The religious zealots sure showed what they were made of though. They boycotted a place willing to sell them building materials at very reasonable prices so they could spend more at Home Depot to build their annual Christmas manger – replete with a real baby and some cows. They’ve couldn’t have sheep because they butchered them for Sunday dinner.

And the butchering wasn’t halal either.

Kim is famous, or infamous, for a variety of things. Besides the big ass, she wears extension, uses too much make up, and has the biggest set of Charlies ever seen on a regular civilian. Charlies, BTW, she uses to great effect on her sex tape and in  the 6.2 million photos taken of her.

The Kardashian/Jenner clan has a tribal structure that makes the Mayans look like amoebas. At the top is stage mother Chris, the instigator of most of Kim’s stunts. Kim listens to her Stage Babby Momma and beds any random guy she can find. She knows it’s good for ratings.

Her 2 siblings come next. The cute one, Kourtney, eschews birth control to pull in the family values demographic and pumps out kids at an alarming rate – to capture the pro-life crowd. And, she does it all while trying to tame her evil hubby with a name no one remembers.

Khloe, the one people claim is a pre-op transsexual, is the relatively sane one. She clops around in hooker boots with the bobs swaying to, fro, and eventually out. But, she also gives sound advice.

“Kim stop screwing/marrying every guy you meet. Or failing that, stop video taping all of them. It’s just gross.”

“Kourt, kick your dumbass husband to the curb and for chrissakes, stop with the babies. The family already has astronomical therapy bills. ”

At the bottom of clan is Bruce Jenner. His place involves copious amounts of bad plastic surgery and being the consummate hanger-on to avoid having to deal with the reality of being a washed up athlete.

Occupy Kim!
But really, why the boycott? Yes, they can be inane and annoying at times – though I like the way mascara runs like rivers when they cry. They have that whole Tammy Faye thing going on. But what’s the harm really? Is it right to ruin the American dream for people whose only escape from reality is to watch an unreal reality show about someone who, except for the big ass, is unreal as well.

Let’s NOT boycott the advertisers, who quite frankly are only indulging in free market capitalism of the type many of this boycott’s demographic espouses. We must stop this unfair action against innocent advertisers. Like regulations, there are far too many boycotts against America’s small businesses. Small businesses like Sears, QVC, both Walmart AND Target, and something named shopbop.com (which sounds like a sort of online Whack-a-Mole store). It’s socialism by God… socialism right here in America. It’s probably because they’re Armenian… and we all know how close Armenians and Muslims are.

So I say it’s time to counter-protest and save one of America’s living treasures. Occupy Kim if you will.

God, I love this country.

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It’s been a rough decade or so for America. One disaster after another. I find it hard to get cranky over anything or anyone anymore and I’m ashamed to say my blog production has dropped off as a result.

People used to say I reminded them of,  “a curmudgeon sitting on the porch, throwing firecrackers at the birds.” Now, I post a number of mildly entertaining pop culture videos or some personal story as often as politics. Even my more cantankerous posts lack the panache of old. Really, I don’t know how Christopher Hitchens managed to get his cranky on, even in the face of death.

But, I still dream of the days when I mustered the strength to pop someone’s head like a zit, to just let the vitriol fly and let the pus-covered words land where they may. That day has come. Let the popping begin:

No. 6: Pat Robertson – Failed Faith Healer and TV Evangiswindler

Pat’s never boring. You can count on him to say things so incredibly stupid he has no credibility as a comic after he says them. Pat, here’s to hoping the Lord God Almighty calls you on the Supertheist Hotline and strikes you popped, like a big juicy one.

BTW, take Michele Bachmann with you as a sort of DIY rapture.

No. 5: Sarah Palin – Failed Reality Show Character and Half-Term Governor

Sarah’s sexy schoolmarm look has worn dangerously thin. No one buys rimless glasses anymore. She’s all but stopped the comic gold Tweets and now can’t even seduce Joe the Plumber into the Tea Party – much less be a Kingmaker for the largest group of knotheads ever to run for public office. Republicans? Michele Bachmann. Really? C’mon.

Sadly, she’s a victim of America’s economic turmoil. After her last reality show tanked, she couldn’t get anyone to pick up her newest TV creation – “reality” life with the First Dood. Who knew salmon fishing could be so…um, uninteresting? Who would’ve imagined that she and multi-baby momma, Kate Gosselin, would both find themself unemployed and downwardly mobile members of the 99.99 percenters?

Hand me that Alaskan hunting knife…POP! Woooo, look at that gunk fly.

No. 4: The Occupy Movement

Michael Moore described the movement as “organic” without seeing the irony that mushrooms grown in shit are organic as well. They have lofty goals, most of which I applaud heartily. However, if you can get 54% of America to agree with you and then shortly thereafter have polls drop like anchors, you aren’t onto a good political strategy. (See Baggers, Failure, Tea)

Word. Stop keeping your enemies close and pissing off your friends (for example, the Longshoremen’s Union). Face it, if there’s one thing 99% of America hates it’s people who camp out on the grass in defiance of the Keep Off the Grass signs. Those pro-watching grass grow people mean business (Use of Deadly Pepper Spray Authorized).

BTW, fewer TV interviews with formerly middle class post-grads who trained for archeology, but now can’t find a job “in their field of study”.  More interviews with people who not only can’t afford Christmas gifts, but food, clothing, shelter, and water too.

Herewith is a group pop, because the movement is so “organic” no single mushroom has emerged from the shit to take one for the team.

No. 3: Newt Gingrich – Deity

When Joe Scarborough says you’re just plain mean and you’re too crazy for Glenn Beck, some self-examination is in order – even if you’re congenitally unable to do it.

Newt has enough skeletons in his closet to fill the Catacombs three times over. He will not get a pass on those, regardless of how above them he feels entitled to be.  He’s now on Wife No.  36, more or less. He’s cheated on the lot of them and is probably grooming Wife No. 37 as we speak. No one believes that he’s really gone over to the God side except the American Family Association, Jim Bakker, and Billy Graham…and he’s almost dead and confused to boot.

Oh, and Joe Scarborough says you are a mean man.

May God have no mercy popping your zit.

No 2. Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh – Media Mavens Who Hate the Media

This one is really too easy, because they are really the same person. Same buffoonery, same  blowhardism, and like Newt, same mean people.

If you have a TV or radio show, website, or both, you can’t talk about the media like it’s some underground nefarious plot by treasonous commies, socialists, or nazis who hate the Hate America First or War on Christmas crowds. Simply put, YOU ARE THE MEDIA YOU MORANS!

Each of you have skin thinner than a condom and egos the size of Donald Trump’s – although most of you have better hair (notwithstanding Rush’s bald pate). This is not an especially endearing combination except with survivalists still looking for Barack Hussein Obama’s “real” birth certificate under a chunk of Kenyan rock, and abortion clinic bombers.

Here’s a huge zit-pop for you.

CAUTION: Readers, please step away from the zit so you don’t get wet. This is a juicy one.

No. 1: Barack Obama – Change and Hope Peddler and World’s Worse Negotiator

He means well. He really does. He believes the whole change and hope thing, but wants to get to it by selling his skin to corporatists and kowtowing to any interest group more powerful than the National Association of Wiener Dogs. He’s also under the misguided impression that bipartisanship actually works. When your opponents say “no” – or worse yet – “hell no” before you even float the infamous trial balloon, bipartisanship is a loser. How many times will he bang his head against this particular rock?

But, the O-Man’s biggest failure is as a negotiator. He bargains like a Rube trying to buy a Ford Pinto with only 3 wheels at Mad Man Dapper Dan’s Pre-Owned, Used Car Lot (“I’d give ‘em away, but my wife won’t let me.”). You don’t tell Dan exactly how much you have in your pocket and then begin haggling against yourself. Clearly, the Pinto will be just a hopeful and change-deprived dream.

True, he’s gotten few things done after a fashion, but his greatest claim to fame may be that he’s infinitely preferable than John McThusela and the Gun Totin’ Moose Mommy. Not a bad accomplishment in its own right.

Sorry Mr. President, but I’ll make this as painless as possible. I hope you can handle the change.

(Quick Stab) little ooze.

Damn! Vitriol feels so damn good. I FEEL ALIVE! ALIVE I SAY!

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Is Mitt Romney One of the Walking Dead?

It Would Be Funny If It Wasn’t True

Blow Hards Aren’t Just for America Any More

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Hating the Sin, but Singing Away the Sinner

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