The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! » Search Results » humor http://omnipotentpoobah.com Better morning read? Corn flakes box or shampoo bottle? Compare and contrast. Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:51:21 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Randomness: Random Style http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2012/01/22/randomness-random-style/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2012/01/22/randomness-random-style/#comments Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:27:08 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=6687 From Monday morning to Newt and the Power Rangers…from Burning Man to Odin’s beer…and Rachel Bilson too. What more could you ask than another tour through the Poobah’s vault for weird stuff.

Poobah’s Tribute to Monday Morning

Newt’s Secret South Carolina Connection

A Snoozical, Musical, Seussical

Beer, the Nector of the God…Odin

Rachel Bilson Gets All Up in Hollywood and What Not

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]]> http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2012/01/22/randomness-random-style/feed/ 0 Randomness: Sex Terms for Dummies http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2012/01/05/randomness-sex-terms-for-dummies/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2012/01/05/randomness-sex-terms-for-dummies/#comments Fri, 06 Jan 2012 01:01:58 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=6613 Michele Bachmann may have dropped out but Rick “Governor Goodhair” Perry is still inexplicably hanging on in the GOP race. And, Mitt the Mormon keeps mouthing weak-assed religious platitudes to anyone goofy enough to listen to him. However, he is careful about how loudly he delivers them lest someone pick up the cult meme again.

Newt GingGrinch has gone back to being an evil-tempered heathen because, really, who ever believed his new found piousness anyway? Ron Paul never was on the God train because he’s too busy just being  a damn weird Keebler Elf. And that other Mormon guy, what’s is name? Hunter? Huntmeister? Oh yeah, Jon “Missing an H” Huntsman is too far away from the microphone for anyone to hear what he’s saying.

Whatever happens to these goobs, Rick Santorum is still leading the Change of the Christian Brigade.  No one would describe Rick as sex-savvy, so he’ll need some help talking to the non-Fundy voters out there. Herewith: Sex Terms for Dummies.

51 Words for Vagina

51 Words for Penis

51 Words for Anal Sex (A Santorum Favorite)

 

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]]> http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2012/01/05/randomness-sex-terms-for-dummies/feed/ 0 Jerusalem on Edge of War on New Year http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/12/31/jerusalem-on-edge-of-war-on-new-year/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/12/31/jerusalem-on-edge-of-war-on-new-year/#comments Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:14:25 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=6567 War on New YearJerusalem – Sectarian tensions rose yesterday as the UN International Dateline Commission convened its 2012 session. At issue was determining how to move the tiny Pacific Island nations of Samoa and Tokelau to the opposite side of the International Dateline.

Minor skirmishes broke out when Christian, Jewish, and Muslim supporters fought for hours over which calendar – Gregorian,  Hariji, or Hebrew – to use in planning the move. Chinese representatives remain neutral on the calendar question and the Romans voted in absentia for the Julian Calendar.

The fighting broke out after the Christian delegation charged the Muslim and Jewish delegations of declaring a War on New Year.

“They declared a War on Christmas and now they’re trying to steal the entire year from us,” said Hank Hucklebuck, Chairman of the God Says We’re Right and You’re Wrong Alliance. “Like Christmas, New Year has been part of a Christian tradition leading all the way back to 1582 when St. Greg of the Equinox threw out that evil Julian calendar.”

“Look, Christians are a fair-minded lot and we would never want to deprive others of their right to celebrate the New Year as they wish. However, we’re right, they’re wrong and only God can change that. We have already contacted his representative, Pat Robertson, to negotiate when our calendar will be chosen. We are looking forward to resolving this issue peacefully,” Hucklebuck said.

Muslim representatives had a different point of view.

“Those Christians are always going around shoving Jesus into our faces. To me this has nothing to do with the calendar. Mohamed is clearly the most important of any prophet in any religion and he chose the Hariji. Of that, there is no question,” said Isaiah Mustafa.

Israel’s Hebrew Calendar Defense League threatened violence if the Gregorian or Hariji calendars were adopted.

“We may have nuclear weapons. We have a very capable fighting force. We have the might of the last remaining global superpower behind us. We will prevail,” said Bibi Badder, Chief of Israel’s Time Continuum Militia. “If our calendar is not chosen, as as God directs, we will bomb the US Congressional Prayer Caucus, Iran, and both Michele Bachmann and that other fool…Richard Santorum.”

Fighting calmed only slightly after several unsuccessful attempts to negotiate a cease fire. Sources say that negotiations broke down when representatives could not agree on a calendar to use in setting up the ceasefire timing. A small group of Atheists tried to enter the meeting and offer a compromise based on a scientific calendar, but Islamic, Christian, and Jewish members threw stones at them until they drove them from the Temple on the Mount.

“We may not be able to agree on a calendar,” Hucklebuck said, “but we can all agree that whatever the atheists propose is complete scientific mumbo-jumbo.”

When it appeared the chance for an agreement was unlikely the Christian delegation decided to gear up their grassroots War on Christmas organization for a War on New Year. They’ve called on Fox News to launch the crusade immediately. Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity have already come aboard.

“People will call things by their proper Christian names or they will be hanged as enemy combatants for their violations of our family values. If we do not win this war – though that’s impossible because God is on our side – homosexualist indoctrinators will tell our kids they can’t pray in school and a massive outbreak of man-on-horse sex could rage,” said GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

“Mark my words.”

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]]> http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/12/31/jerusalem-on-edge-of-war-on-new-year/feed/ 0 Dick Clark Will Turn Over in His…Wherever He is Now http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/12/29/dick-clark-will-turn-over-in-his-wherever-he-is-now/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/12/29/dick-clark-will-turn-over-in-his-wherever-he-is-now/#comments Thu, 29 Dec 2011 19:31:08 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=6529 Happy New YearHappy New Year Dick Clark wherever you are…

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]]> http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/12/29/dick-clark-will-turn-over-in-his-wherever-he-is-now/feed/ 0 Occupy Kim Kardashian! http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/12/22/occupy-kim-kardashian/ http://omnipotentpoobah.com/2011/12/22/occupy-kim-kardashian/#comments Thu, 22 Dec 2011 19:49:18 +0000 Omnipotent Poobah http://omnipotentpoobah.com/?p=6443
People are famous for many reasons. Sometimes it’s for being noble, sometimes for bringing the funny. There are those famous for being drug-addled train wrecks (Rush Limbaugh, I’m talkin’ about you) and those using their own fat ass to fart forth opinions on how fat another person’s ass is, notwithstanding that said person’s ass is at least 3 times smaller than his own.

But sometimes people become famous for telling the truth. When asked what her greatest claim to fame was, Kim Kardashian said, “I’m the girl with the fat ass.”

Now that’s fresh and funny, yet scathingly truthful. This is a woman who knows her place in the universe. People should be praising the heavens for a woman who provides both comedic relief and a chance for the average American couch potato to feel superior to someone else for once. It’s stress relieving really. Very therapeutic.

But Kim is being made to pay for being a societal relief valve – Kim H8Rs have begun a petition to have her booted off television. I assume these are the same people who showed all the Muslim-lovers out there that Lowes is the devil and not the home of thrifty building materials.

Lowes, Home of Low Prices
The religious zealots sure showed what they were made of though. They boycotted a place willing to sell them building materials at very reasonable prices so they could spend more at Home Depot to build their annual Christmas manger – replete with a real baby and some cows. They’ve couldn’t have sheep because they butchered them for Sunday dinner.

And the butchering wasn’t halal either.

Kim is famous, or infamous, for a variety of things. Besides the big ass, she wears extension, uses too much make up, and has the biggest set of Charlies ever seen on a regular civilian. Charlies, BTW, she uses to great effect on her sex tape and in  the 6.2 million photos taken of her.

The Kardashian/Jenner clan has a tribal structure that makes the Mayans look like amoebas. At the top is stage mother Chris, the instigator of most of Kim’s stunts. Kim listens to her Stage Babby Momma and beds any random guy she can find. She knows it’s good for ratings.

Her 2 siblings come next. The cute one, Kourtney, eschews birth control to pull in the family values demographic and pumps out kids at an alarming rate – to capture the pro-life crowd. And, she does it all while trying to tame her evil hubby with a name no one remembers.

Khloe, the one people claim is a pre-op transsexual, is the relatively sane one. She clops around in hooker boots with the bobs swaying to, fro, and eventually out. But, she also gives sound advice.

“Kim stop screwing/marrying every guy you meet. Or failing that, stop video taping all of them. It’s just gross.”

“Kourt, kick your dumbass husband to the curb and for chrissakes, stop with the babies. The family already has astronomical therapy bills. ”

At the bottom of clan is Bruce Jenner. His place involves copious amounts of bad plastic surgery and being the consummate hanger-on to avoid having to deal with the reality of being a washed up athlete.

Occupy Kim!
But really, why the boycott? Yes, they can be inane and annoying at times – though I like the way mascara runs like rivers when they cry. They have that whole Tammy Faye thing going on. But what’s the harm really? Is it right to ruin the American dream for people whose only escape from reality is to watch an unreal reality show about someone who, except for the big ass, is unreal as well.

Let’s NOT boycott the advertisers, who quite frankly are only indulging in free market capitalism of the type many of this boycott’s demographic espouses. We must stop this unfair action against innocent advertisers. Like regulations, there are far too many boycotts against America’s small businesses. Small businesses like Sears, QVC, both Walmart AND Target, and something named shopbop.com (which sounds like a sort of online Whack-a-Mole store). It’s socialism by God… socialism right here in America. It’s probably because they’re Armenian… and we all know how close Armenians and Muslims are.

So I say it’s time to counter-protest and save one of America’s living treasures. Occupy Kim if you will.

God, I love this country.

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